I'm weightless from my head up.

cited

Seriously, Costa Rica can not come soon enough. I HATE this. I hate stupid flippin' schoool. 4 weeks off in paradise. yap. thats what i need.
and i also get to get groped multiple times at the airport, probably. so that should be fun.
ha.

anyhoo just sitting at school not doing pe cause pe is stupid.
should be doing hw but naaah ill just make a pointless blog post instead.

yippee.
arent u glad that i am?
i sure am

but yhaahh ive been to costa rica before for a ten day mission trip and it is so amazing. beautiful. interesting. nice. extraordinary. it is just greatly fantsatic a matter-o-fact. and i wanna get hit by some waves, collect shells along the shore, relax in the 100 degree weather on a sandy beach. eat rice and beans and veggies and see geckos and igunas and MONKEYS! oh, the monkeys :) i just really cited bout them.
im changing the word excited to cited. its better.

and i wanna go on walks through the rainforest and cloud forest. i wanna just sleep in a bed that isnt mine and smile cause im actually happy.

oh! and the hots springs are delicious. like..that was weird. but they are fantastic. im cited bout tem as well. the one i went to last time is in a place called Baldi.
i like that name :)



not a great picture (google) but this was my favorite. so nice



i googled

It's not the cold water that gives me chills, but the bones I find at the bottom

stupididittttty and dumbbibity

So dumb people are really dumb

so very dumb

its hard being in hs.

i mean yah the work is hard sometimes and people are annoying but how do u deal with seriously just stupid people?

i mean really. its practically impossible without going ballistic.

there are too many stupid people.

or at least people that act stupid.

and then there are those peopple who are all like giggly about everytihng, stupid attention whores.

or better yet, attention sluts.

thankffully some of them are just attention prostitutes.

yap

and um im mean, i act stupid sometimes too
but not ignorant and arrogant and completely selfish
and conservative O.o
not offense to conservative people, just the stupid ones.

like the girl in that picture....dermmmm ;)

Unschooling Unmanual

So I read this book today (just 88 pages long) called the Unschooling Unmanual. It talks about how unschooling is better than schooling.
Its like home schooling except you dont even have any textbooks. they pretty much just do whatever they want, but somehow they manage to learn a bunches!

Children learn by asking quesitons, not asnwering them.

i love that. it is so true omg. this book is great. seriously, im not puting my kids through school. its so stupud and this is such a great thing.

get it.

check it out.

read it.

something.

buy it.

i would say more buuuuut not gonna

c ya

I like to beleive that everythings connected. That I myself will somehow lead to something else- something that will live on after I'm dead.

I'm not afraid of being forgotten
I'm afraid of not being worth remembering

I'm not afraid of love
I'm afraid of never finding it

I'm not afraid of monsters
Only the darkness that surrounds them

I'm not afraid of falling
only the fear as I hit the ground

I'm not afraid of silence
I'm afraid of the thoughts that come with it

I'm not afraid of confusion
I'm afraid on no one seeing

I'm not afraid of a broken heart
but the lies that come with one

I'm not afraid of tears
only the act of crying

I'm not afraid of responsibility
only the disappointment I'm sure to bring

I'm not afraid of commitment
only the trust that comes with it

I'm not afraid of living
I'm afraid of what comes after

HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER!

so i dont own any harry potter clothing,
and the world will end if i dont get some soon
what is wrong with me

When you wake up at night and decide not to be afraid anymore, look back to me cause I'll be there.

Why not destroy? Decide not to care anymore. The monsters living beneath my bed; the demons sleeping upon my chest; they not longer have to birth my fear. I've been called out, swore out, pushed out, but I never left cause of them. Creating my own commotion, I breathed beneath all the bleeding skin. There's no more trying to take my place, cause I'm watching it all fall away, now. All the pieces of a puzzle I forced to fit- I'm having my fun and slashing every bit.
Society has its hold on me, but now I'm slipping, willingly. No more uneventful conversations- confrontations. I'm not trying to change the rules, just break them.
I'm not trying to better myself, just let go.

No me gusta escuela

Costa Rica in a month and a half :)

The gay types

So today in health we talked about homosexuality- gay people and what not.

Serious, people can't just kick gay peeps out of the military or whatever! So stupid! They should have the same rights as all of us!
We all sinners!
Were so stupid. I mean, I could hardly stand to listen to the conservative people in my class today. I mean, I'm not like extremely anti republican or anything, all sides are flawed and to a point, corrupt. But sometimes people have such closed minds. It's like, so u believe that being gay isn't right, but neither is lying, neither is being a fing stripper but I'm sure those people are allowed in the military!
Grr.
Confusion
Anger
I talked alot
I'm very opinionated
I like that bout me

Ohh!! And I shared my theory on lesbians. For the first time. I was very proud. U wanna know what it is? Probably not

Shappplly (?) wisdom

Geometrryyyyyy no.
I'm failing.
I haven't done it in over a month.
Bad stuff. Bad bad evil stuff.
I hate school.
It should go die, the stupid worthless things they teach us. I mean, I always knew geometry was pointless, but for some reason it really hit me on like Wednesday I think. Like, were doing this because it's preparing us for college, and were going to college to prepare us for our career, bur my career is most definitely not going to involved stupid theorums and postulates and what not.
It's just some stupid thing someone made up, geometry.
God doesn't say:
"Ye shall learn that of the geometry so as to know shapely wisdom."

Oh bagels...

What a beautiful place to be with friends

Bown down and sob, beaches

i dont know how to change this stupid color. u cant even see it and im freeaaakiinnngg out!!

O.o

Baths calm me down.
In fact, I'm taking one right now.

Perv

Ah the joys of highschool socializing

So stupid winter formal is on the 5th. Last year I wasn't going to go but then I was persuaded.
And something bad happened.
So I am most definitely not going this year. No matter how much she tries to make me go.
I'm not making that mistake all over again.

I've gotten to the point where I find myself so repulsive I don't even want to go out in public

But I'm really trying so set that aside tonight cause Harry potter midnight showing!!!!!! Whoooooooo!!!!!!

Confident in Dreary Delineations

Silhouettes placed in a single moaning stripe
Arms long to flail but darkness clings
(they're frightened)
Something rips through still waters
High twilight stirs, frowns, shifts
But is not unnerved by its arrival
...confident in dreary delineations

Empty eyes watch as the water churns, brightens
(the light is swelling)
Puffs of black smoke slithering from closed lips
Darkness laughs as it lingers
A heavy coat smothering like a mouth of bees

(ever swelling)
The light flashes and they cannot blink, reactions dead
black spears of fantasy spew from twilights hand
Disintegration steaming as they sink, the light frowns
(it does not like violence)
In retaliation, it burts- lively

The darkness growls, bearing vampirical teeth, blunted
Black suffocation clings powerful, creating bloody sores

...Evils greatest mistake

Jaws fly open as the feeling of pain envelopes
And terminated nerves awaken

Killed by his own hand, heiness screams pathetic insanity as the blood boils in sputtering folds
And the bodies join as something bursts
Running with blood, mouths gaping, screams alive
The light jumps, tears, takes forever down the choking throats
Smoke cringes, hissing as it evaporates
And in a brilliant blast of light,
the silhouettes explode into salvation

D:

Depression has struck as I am left alone while my friends are off having fun together D:

I See your Face

I see your face
It's in my dreams
Is it here to stay
this time

I feel you
reaching into hot air
I search for you
but i can't tell if you're reaching back

Red balloons in a winter sky
I bleed my love
no more hiding
Cause I don't like this hiding
Trying to find a way to justify all the things I say and do
I hate that they're for you

Causeim just a girl
and he's just a boy
In the same world
different lives (different realities)

And I've given up flying
Cause im stuck on a cloud
My wings are tangled, tainted
By the way your laugh sounds oh oh

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." — Marilyn Monroe

"La vita e bella; la vita e amore. -- Life is beautiful; life is love."

Freedom Song- Jason Mraz

I keep getting bored with my books

Somewhere in the epitimy of heiness, the shaking hand of a girl grasped the rusty end of a razor and left it to hover above
her arm. No thoughts were there in her head but one:
3, 285.
3, 285.
No noise escaped her as she sliced the razor into the tender veins of her wrist. By now the blade had become encrusted with
dried fluid and blunted by years of use. Scraping it into her skin roughly, she sawed it across her skin until fresh blood
spurted from the newly made cut.
Raising her head in unexplainable pleasure, the girl rolled her neck and placed two of her fingers into the now steady
stream of blood.
Flowing over her urine soaked rags, she knelt in the warm pool and, if able to feel emotion still, she might have giggled.
Her chest pressed upon the stained wall, a single finger striped the wall in a sticky, running line.
3, 285 days.
3, 285 days.
Her hand fell back into her lap where her bloody wrist was already starting to congeal. Sinking low onto the floor, her
cheeck rested itself in the still hot pool of blood and closed her eyes. Letting her body relax into the comforting warmth
of her liquid life, the girl opened her mouth and let the blood creep slowly onto her tongue as she sunk into another
dreamless sleep.
3, 285 days.
3, 285 days.
3, 285 marks on the wall.

im tired of this freaking fatigue

fatigue? yah thats an okay word for this feeling i guess. im just not intersted in anything lately. i mean, i was never really big on doing hw, but now i cant get myself to do any of it. also, i can hardly get myself to write anything- and ive always had trouble getting it out, but never ever like this. i hate it. i have no interest in anything at allllll. not at all! i cant do anything anything anything ever ever ever ever now.
grrrrr..
i just dont know what to do.
you know how when youre feeling down or depressed or sumthing, u think of those things that you beleive that ifyou had everything would be okay? like for some people it would be a boyfriend, girlfried, good looks, talent...something. well, even when i think of my things ( wutever idc if it makes no sense, no one reads this) i dont feel the interest in them that i used to. i dont feel the longing.
I dont have the want to live and i dont have the want to die.

what else is there to do?

Dreaming of you is Worse than a Nightmare

Darling I must admit
Erasing your name I've hardly tried
And although the pain swabs bitter
I only hesitantly lick defeat

Enveloped sorrow- trapped through the night
In dreams of false acceptance
A taste of your delectibility
Wretched in my mind like blood staining tears
(Furious are my whispers)

By morning I've slept a sleepless slumber
Kneeling on the floor, puking up flashes
Of your body in a state where I can only hesitate
Shoving a finger down my throat
Acid spills from my lips and I choke out your name
(Come right back in, honey)

Darling I must admit
Your silhouette, single tear
Your laugh I've hardly tried to erase
And although the shame tickles veins
I only hesitantly lick defeat

Secret- something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained

D:

So I've been getting pretty down on myself lately. I'm not doing good in school, my appearance is depressing me, I have secrets to keep that's getting really frusterating...grrr it's just not a very good year this year. I don't know what to do D:

Sometimes it's the smallest things that make the biggest impact

Come in with the Rain- Taylor Swift

Why Not? I can Post Whatever I Want!

Paragon- The New Eden

Chapter 1

Paragon- The new Eden

The corners of the flier flittered dangerously in the cruel wind. The small slits of tape threatening to break free and send the thin paper flying down the bustling street. Wrapping her arms around her thin waist, Lila Florence hugged her coat close to her body, and started back again down the dull sidewalk.

The afternoon was growing steadily cooler as the clouds became more and more layered over the dimming sun. Faces with gray complexions passed her by hurriedly, nobody bothering to give this girl a second glance.

Passing a newly shined boutique window, Lila turned her face to the left and stopped abruptly. It had been nearly a week since the last time she had looked herself in the mirror, and the reflection she was seeing now was slightly startling. Stepping closer to the store window, Lila pressed her freezing palms to the clean glass, staring intently at her face. Her eyes looked wide and tired- big hazel spheres looking more confused than she had ever seen them. This was surprising to Lila; she had slept more in the last month than she had her whole life.

Her complexion looked grey and without color; the tips of her ears, on the other hand, were red with cold. Suddenly, after looking at them, her lips felt cracked and dry, and she ran her tongue over them, trying to bring back their healthy pink hue. This didn’t work though and, after hesitating a few more moments, she turned away from the window.

Taken by a tremor of shivers, Lila pulled her hood over her long curls and continued on her way down the bitterly cold street.

The city had looked nippy from Lila’s apartment window, but the air had still been a shock when she stepped down the chilly stairs outside. It wasn’t really necessary for her to take the trip to her favorite café down the street, but since the incident she found herself longing for the warm, small inside of the coffee shop, and craving her usual hot coca with a shot of cool peppermint more than usual. She took comfort in these things, knowing that the warm relief they gave her would never change.

At the door of the café, Lila stepped out of the way of a tall woman with a billowing coat that was threatening to blow her right out of the way. The woman’s face was bitter with anger, and it was apparent that the comfort this place gave Lila had not taken the same toll on this particular person. Glaring at her, the woman pushed her way out of the door and hustled on down the street.

This type of behavior was usual for the city folk around here, and Lila hardly took notice of this woman as she stepped through the door of the café. A hot whoosh of air met Lila as she entered the cozy building, and a small bell dinged overhead, acknowledging her arrival. Lila turned right and walked stiffly over to her usual booth by the window. She had often been glared at by groups of college students for taking a whole booth to herself, but the staff didn’t seem to mind and neither did she.

As she slid into her seat, Lila could feel the hot air of the café warm her body and her toes started to thaw in their boots. Tugging off her suede gloves, she rubbed her hands together, attempting to restore their life.

A moment later, a petite woman in a white apron and messy bun approached her seat.

“Hi, what can I get for you today?” She asked with a cheerful smile.

Funny how the staff here always seems to be so happy, Lila thought as the woman looked at her expectantly. But I suppose that’s probably part of the job.

“Large hot chocolate with a shot of peppermint, please,” Lila responded just loud enough for the woman to hear.

She smiled again and left to make her order.

Lila’s heartbeat had managed to maintain a steady beat as the waitress spoke to her; something that was rare these days. Ever since the night of the incident, whenever someone spoke to her off guard, she had a sort of a mini anxiety attack. Her stomach would be hit with a pang of pain, her skin would grow hot and her heart would start to beat so furiously it was as if she were being attacked all over again. She had never mentioned this to her mother. She didn’t feel the need to tell her something she would probably tell her to brush off; that it was just a phase. Nor had she told her father. This idea had never even seriously occurred to her. Her parents were divorced, and she only saw her father about 5 times a year. And even when they did, they hardly ever spoke much…

Shaking all thoughts of her father from her mind, Lila sunk deeper into her booth, allowing her mind and body to be enveloped by the warm comfort of the cafes atmosphere. Attempting to clear everything from her head, Lila closed her eyes and opened her ears to all the voices around her.

A man had just entered the building and was walking past Lila in a pair of very loud business shoes to the table directly to her left.

Clack, clack, clack.

Lila continued to listen to the man as his suit brushed the bottom of his seat and he sat down at the small, mosaic table.

This was something that Lila did often. She would focus her mind on one person, close her eyes, and just listen.

Lila heard as the man ordered his drink: A medium Vanilla Frappe with a shot of caramel.

How manly, she thought to herself.

“Here you are!”

A cheerful voice broke into her tranquility and, gasping loudly, Lila jumped straight up in her seat, startling the waitress so she almost dropped her drink.

“Sorry!” The woman exclaimed almost instantly

“I didn’t mean to frighten you!”

Lila looked up at her with wide eyes and took a deep breath, calming her heartbeat. Disgruntled, the waitress quickly put down her drink and walked away; turning back only for a moment to look at her with a slightly worried face.

Lila lowered her eyes and picked up her drink, suddenly terribly thirsty. As she took a large gulp of peppermint and chocolate, Lila’s heartbeat slowed, but a new feeling emerged.

Someone was watching her.

Turning her head slightly to the right, Lila switched her gaze to the man she had been listening to.

He had dark hair that was slicked back with gel, a dark grey suit and was looking at her like she was a particularly interesting piece of art.

Taking another swig of her drink, Lila moved her eyes away slowly so he wouldn’t notice that she had caught him staring.

She continued to drink her hot chocolate as if she had no idea of the man staring at her. For a few more moments she felt his eyes on her, and then, out of the corner of her own eye, she saw the man readjust his sitting position and turn his gaze to the window.

Relieved, Lila herself scooted closer to the window, sliding her paper cup across the tabletop, and rested her now temperate head on the cool, refreshing glass.

Seemingly impossibly, the wind had grown stronger since she had entered the café. Lila smiled to herself, suddenly very grateful to be indoors for the time being.

Lila took another sip of her hot chocolate and continued to stare out the window. When her cup was empty she sighed, slid back down the seat, and rose to toss it away.

The man in the suit to her right was still there, and when Lila rose he followed her with his eyes. Feeling slightly awkward, Lila quickly pulled on her gloves, threw away her cup and turned abruptly toward the door.

As she walked back down the even colder, even busier street, Lila’s long, tan curls whipped her face almost painfully. Pulling her hood back up, she stopped at a dim red light, and shivered furiously.

When the light turned green, she, along with around 25 another people, crossed the street to the line of old grey apartments that lined the road.

Hugging her arms to her body, Lila leaned forward, bracing herself against the wind, and plodded on down the sidewalk.

The apartment complex that inhabited this area of town was far from the best. They were made mostly of concrete with rusty gates and dead plants.

Lila had lived here for 6 years. After the divorce, her and her mother had left the moderately nice house they had lived in before and moved here. Her father had not been able to afford keeping it, so the house they all used to call home was sold to a family that they didn’t know.

Her mom always told her that they would get out of this apartment soon. That she would get some big promotion at the clinic she worked as a nurse at and leave all this behind.

But so far, this had not happened for them.

As Lila grew steadily closer to her apartment, her footsteps grew steadily slower. She didn’t notice this until she was standing completely still in the middle of the sidewalk.

Lila’s mind didn’t know why she had stopped, but her body seemed to.

Thoughtlessly, Lila turned from her path I until her face was met with a familiar sight.

The ally walls beside her apartment were thick with grime; old dirt collected between the rough bricks. Four, large blue dumpsters lined these walls- dirty from years of use.

Lila remembered something else that was dirty in this ally….something that happened.

It had been nearly a month since the incident; since she had seen the light haired man. He had thrown her to the ground; pinned her to the filthy concrete.

His left hand had crushed her shoulder, keeping her down, as he unzipped his pants with his right. Gasping with pain she had looked over at his wrist where a simple design met her eyes. The outline of a heart was tattooed there in deep, black ink. Like the man needed proof that he really had one. Lila remembered thinking, in the midst of all that was happening that the tattoo was accurate.

The man had a black and empty heart.

She stood there thoughtless and hardened for a full minute before her stomach caught up to her eyes. A dreadful pain had sprung from the deepest part of her stomach, and was slowly rising. Feeling as if she were about to hurl, Lila forced herself to peel away from the horrible scene that would have seemed normal to anyone else but her. Not waiting to gain control of her pain, Lila strained her legs to begin walking once again.

This wasn’t the first time Lila had walked past the ally since the incident. Twice a week for the last 3 weeks she had traveled the short distance to her favorite coffee shop. But not on any of those occasions had Lila let herself relive the memory she had been trying so hard to forget.

As her apartment grew nearer, Lila kept her focus on the few concrete steps that would take her away from the busyness of the afternoon city. Reaching them finally, she heaved her suddenly heavy body up the stairs. Sighing slightly, she reached into the front of her jeans and pulled out a small silver key. Turning it in the lock, she swung open the door just wide enough to fit her frail body through, and stepped into the grey inside of the building. Not comforted by the damp smell and messy haired lobby man who stared at her as she pushed the elevator button, Lila was suddenly hit with a pang of longing for the familiar inside of her home.

Wondering why the elevator seemed to be taking so long, she waited nervously, all the while feeling the eyes of the lobby man staring daggers into her back.

A high pitched ding relieved Lila as the empty elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Stepping inside, she made sure not to make eye contact with the man behind the desk, and out of the corner of her eye she saw his mouth twitch into a small smile. Slightly disgruntled, Lila braved a glance out the elevator, but to her liking the doors had already closed and she was starting to move slowly upward.

Lila realized then that she had never pushed the button to indicate what floor she was going to, but with another ding, the doors rattled open and she found herself on floor 9- her room just down the hall. This didn’t surprise Lila much; the elevators were always on the fritz. Instead she was grateful that she didn’t end up on some random floor and had to use the stairs.

Room 18 was just like any other apartment; maybe a bit more drab. Drawing another key from her pocket, she shook it in the lock, rather then turning it- as was accustomed- and entered the main room.

A small, worn leather coach called her name and she realized that her mother wasn’t home. Somewhat surprised at the relief this gave her she closed the chipped door and stepped heavily across the room to the inviting couch.

Sinking comfortably into the cool leather, Lila leaned back, unconsciously touching her hand to her stomach. And, what is more, to the unborn baby that grew inside.

I'm not too into it, but oh well.

We Danced Anyway- Dixie Chicks

Dreaming of you is worse than a nightmare

Love Deep as Worry

Trying to find one reason to stay alive
My eyes only see what would be better  without me
Little black voices drift like smoke in my mind
Secrets under pressure growing deeper confined

Demons breath tickles the back of my neck
Dead fingers trying to hug my heart black
A feeling in my head I can't explain
It's more than anxiety and deeper than pain

Sad eyes trying for a constant smile
Every motion, a mountain
Every step, a mile
Ignorance never sees past a grinning corpse
Depression alone will never warp

I've carved my heart and sliced my wrist
Ripped open veins with bleeding fists
But a love deep as worry will only save this mind
A prayer for rescue to leave it all behind

So there is kinda of a story that goes all with this: I wrote it for my friend after she told me she was Clinically Depressed. I never sent it to her though...just didnt want to bother her with it?

My Tongue is thick with Unsaid Words

Existing in my own alternate realities
I live a life of unspoken words
My mind is swimming in a claustrophobic ocean
I crave a moment to rise to the surface and breathe

Quiet responses don’t justify intellectual power
The source of my silence another unspoken reason to fail
Therapeutic answers won’t suffice without a will to change
But fear creates an aura of hatred that I can’t seem to shake

My tongue is thick with unsaid words
The small inside of my mouth collecting thoughts that suffocate
Fear composed with a silent silhouette
Clenched fists and anxious eyes stow my unfeigned concern




So this is an actual physical feeling that I get sometimes..

"For me to live- Part of my must die."

I dont know why but for some reason I really want to go find some epic fashion phot and blog about it. This shouldnt probably go on my other blod of epicness but nah its not gonna.

So I am off to find a photo- 9:48 pm

I kinda found one! Okay so its like like suuppper epic really but it slightly creeps me out for some reason and is really cool- 9:52 pm:

I love how it reminds me of like repunzal but it isnt actually rupunzal. i love the blue and the worn castle look. the contrast is really beautiful and i just like really love this photo omg. it is just so gorgeous. the model herself is small in the photo but the fantastic length of her dress and her posing draws the attention.

Anyhoo. photography rocks. im not into nature photography like i used to be. i need more than that.

FURIOUS ON THE BRINK OF TEARRS

(I FEEL LIKE TYPING IN CAPS)

SO TODAY I WAS REALLY ANGRY AND I CANT REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BUT ME AND A COUPLE FRIENDS WERE IN THE HALLWAY AND I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW MAD I WAS. THEN, I DONT REMEMBER HOW THIS TIED IN, MY FRIEND ALIVIAH WAS LIKE "YAH HALLEY  CUTS HERSELF!
AND I JUST COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT!!!
OKAY SO I HAVE SCARS ON THE BACK OF MY ARM, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THAT POSSIBLY COULD BE SUSPICIOUS, AND PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT THEM OFTEN, BUT SINCE I DONT CUT ITS NOT REALLY A BIG DEAL.
BUT TODAY WAS DIFFERENT! YOU JUST DONT JOKE ABOUT THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!
I MEAN, WHAT IF I WAS A SO CALLED "CUTTER"? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE AND REALLLYLYYLYY OFFENDING IN MY OPINION! YOU JUST DONT KID ABOUT THINGS LIKE SELF-MUTILIATION, IT'S WRONG.

PHEW. ANGRY DAY. MY FRIEND WAS SWITCHED OUT OF MY SCHOOL POD AND WE ARE REALLY PISSED OFF. CAUSE LIKE LAST YEAR (SHE WASNT EVEN IN HS YET) I DIDNT REALLY HAVE ANY FRIENDS THAT I HUNG OUT WITH IN MY POD, SO I WAS REALLY EXCITED TO HAVE HER IN MINE THIS YEAR! WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WER ELIKE 6 SO IM COMFORTABLE AROUND HER AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. BUT THEN THE SA CHANGES IT AFTER ALREADY POSTNG THE PODS!
AND GUESS WHAT THEIR EXCUSE IS???
THERE WERE TOO MANY SA MEMBERS IN ONE POD SO THEY GAVE US ONE AND TOOK ABOUT MY FREIND.
WHY.
IN.
THE.
HECK.
DOES.
IT.
MATTER???!!!
IT DOESNT! IT DOESNT MATTER IF THERE ARE 3 SA MEMBERS IN ONE POD, IT DOESNT GIVE THEM A LEG UP OR ANYTHIG!!! EERRGGGH I AM JUST LIKE REALLY FRUSTERATED. TOMORROW I AM GOING TO TALK TO MR. FOX (A TEACHER THAT RUNS THE SA MEETINGS) AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO. ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT I WILL GET MY POINT ACROSS VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY WELL, I KNOW THAT HE WILL NOT CHANGE. BUT ATLEAST I WILL HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

So lately I have been having alot of tiresome dreams. Like, I would really like to just go to bed and not have to wake up depressed with a stomachache. I'm at the point where I would rather have nightmares than dream about happy things because I know that those happy things will never happen. I don't really know what I'm talking about right now, but..I don't know, the dreams just make me feel wanted in them, but then when I wake up I feel like crap.

I don't drip about really emotional stuff or anything, it just really affects me for some reason because I don't want my dreams to be better than my reality.

MAH HAIR

SO LIKE I WAS SAYING LAST NIGHT I WAS IN A REALLY IMPUSLIVE MOOD
SO GUESS WHAT I DID?

I CUT ME OWN HAIR! I DID I REALLY DID ALL BY MYSELF! WELL BESIDES A FEW SNIPS IN THE BACK I MADE MY SISTER DO.
I CANT TELL IF I REALLY LIKE IT YET. ONE MOMENT I'LL BE LIKE, "DANG THIS LOOKS GOOOD" AND THEN ANOTHER MOMENT I'LL BE ALL LIKE "AHH! WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

SIGH. ANYWAYS. I CUT MY HAIR. THE END.

GRRRRRRRRRR

OKAY SO RIGHT NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE REALLY IMPULSIVE AND I WANT TO JUMP INTO THE OCEAN RIGHT NOW IN THE DARK WITH ALL THE WET AND SCARY DARKNESS. I REALLY REALLY DO! AND JUST TO ADD TO THAT I HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF LAUGHS IN MY TUMMY THAT WONT COME OUT! I KEEP TRYING REALLY HARD TO LAUGH BUT IT'S JUST NOT WORKING!

I DONT KNOW WHY I KEEP POSTING ON A BLOG THAT NO ONE READS. THAT I MAKE NO EFFORT TO HAVE PEOPL READ. I GUESS I REALLY AM JUST SINGING TO MYSELF FOR NO ONE TO HEAR CAUSE IM PROBABLY GOING CRAZY. OR ATLEAST I WISH I WAS CAUSE THEN AT LEAST I COULD DO SOOOMETTTHHING.
I REALLY AM IN THE MOOD TO FEEL ALIVE!
GAAAAAAHHHH!!! IM A LITTLE SCARED BUT MOSTLY...JUST WEIRD.

Story of a Girl

Title- Story of a Girl
Author: Sara Zarr
192 pages
Fiction

Summary:

When Deanna's father catches her having sex in a car when she is 13, her life is drastically changed. Two years later, he still can't look her in the eye, and though Tommy is the only boy she's been with, she is branded the school slut. Her entire family watches her as though she is likely to sleep with anyone she sees, and Tommy still smirks at and torments her when she sees him. Her two best friends have recently begun dating, and Deanna feels like an intruder. She tries to maintain a close relationship with her older brother, but Darren and his girlfriend are struggling as teenage parents. Deanna learns to protect herself by becoming outwardly tough, but feels her isolation acutely. Her only outlet is her journal in which she writes the story of an anonymous girl who has the same experiences and feelings that she does.

Review:

If I hadn't known that this book was fiction, I definately would have guessed that this was a true story. Zarr really captured what goes on in the mind of a teenage girl, and she wrote with real honesty.

Besides struggling with the label of School Slut, Deanna also struggles with forgiving Tommy, living in the house of a broken family, and dealing with her best friends dating.

The character are put together very well. A the beginning of the book, you learn to hate Tommy for having sex with her and telling the story to everyone at school. But by the end of the book, I found that- along with Deanna- I didn't hate him anymore.

There were alot of elements to this story and I think that the author fit them together in a very emotion and wonderful way. Some people may say that this book left you hanging- and although I would have liked to have known a few more things- I think that where it ended was not terrible. It leaves you with a sense of hope.

Although this book was short, the emotion was real and constant and the story never faltered. It deals with the consequences of one action, and how you can be judged by one mistake in your past.

It was a quick read that I might venture again.

The Freedom Writers Diary

Awhile back I watched a movie called The Freedom Writers, and just yesterday I found the book at the library. It is a touching and personal book of real diary entrees written by students in a remedial english class.

Mrs. Erin Gruwell was assigned the task of teaching this class at a gang-infested school in Long beach where different minorities fight and "undeclared war." Mrs. G assigns the kids to write in a diary about their past present and future. All of these kids have been abused in some way- sexual, mental, physical- and find their new english class to be a sanctuary where they eventually learn to love each other for whom they are; a place where they are not judged. Mrs. G focuses of assigning books about people that these kids can relate to. After reading Diary of Anne Frank, they get Miep Lies- the woman who helped hide Anne and her family- come to their school and actually get to meet her. After that, they get another girl- whos name I cant recall at the moment- who write a book about her living in her basement through the war in Bosnia.

Sorry for the crappy description. And I havent even finished the book yet- I'm about halfway through. But I highly recomend this book and this movie (although there are alot of things in the book that dont fit in the movie). I have started another book and have another on the way from amazon so I will have two more (hopefully better written) book reviews hopefully soon! I've always had an interest in book about hardships, addictions and such, but suddenly I am REALLY into them!

The Last Night- Skillet

Sometimes you have to break you heart in order to save it.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe has some really great quotes.

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." — Marilyn Monroe

"The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone." -Johann wolfgang Von Goethe

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...and that's where I'll be waiting." -Tinkerbell

This is my favorite quote right now.
Maybe you can relate?
Dreaming about someone can be nice...at the time. But waking up with a burning stomach and a sinking heart because you realize that it isn't real....well, that's not nice.

Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North

THE LIGHT MEETS THE DARK

“Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.” -Bertrand Russell

It's not something that I have ever talked to about anyone, nor heard anyone ever talk about, but it is something that my mind wonder to sometimes.
I don't pay much attention to religion, but I am LDS and the school that I go to is Seventh Day Adventist.
I took sex education in 8th grade, and we talked about purity, abstinance, modesty, and things like that.
But then I see all these seventh day adventist girls going around in tiny bikinis and booty shorts. And I'm like, "HUH?? Am I missing something here??"
I don't know anything of the history of their church, but if it existed way back in the day, I can practically gurantee that they would NOT be wearing that kind of stuff- back when that was still frowned upon.
And why is this??
Because they have ADAPTED TO THE MODERN DAY.
Now, I'm not trying to put down this religion; I know some really good people that are seventh day adventist'. I know spend alot of time with them at school and it is something that I have noticed.
Now, the LDS religion (mormons), the one that I am a apart of, is another in which I occasionally notice adaption. For some reason I can't think of any of my observations at the moment so that kind of blows, but trust me! There are things!

I have to say that this really irritates me. If we keep adapting religion to the newest trends then soon enough it will be nothing but man made crap. Now, the adaption grows slowly, so I dont think people acutally notice. So in my opinion it will take years and years and years and years for it to REALLY become corrupt, but sometimes it seems that were headed that way.

"...reason and science..." I don't have much to say on how this affects religion. Not because I dont have thoughts, but because I dont know how to put them into words. Were always looking for answers; always looking to prove something wrong. And science seems to get in the way of alot of peoples beleifs because it doesn't seem plausible. I don't blame them I guess, faith is hard.
What it really all comes down to is faith.

My opinionsim (?) isn't fully formed, so it might not make much sense, but it's just a thought that I have that I remembered suddenly after reading this wonderful quote.

Ignorance vs. Reality

It's true that IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

When someone leaves us in the dark, we become furious that something is being witheld from us. It doesn't matter if the person tells us that it is better this way, because we acquire this hunger for knowledge and this thirst for truth.
And sometimes...after a time has passed from the moment we found out this particular thing...we long to go back to a time where your mind was clouded with ignorance and you didn't have all of these things to worry about; to just think about.
I know that there are lots of things that I could probably do without knowing. And yet I still want to be aware. I want to live in reality, and yet I want the reality to be different.

Ignorance is bliss, but reaility is real. And sometimes I long for the quiet solitude of ignorance, and other times I hunger for the harsh reality of the world. It's like bipolar.
We want so many things and we are hardly every satisfied.

Phew, I am saying alot of things, and I don't really know where I am going with this...
I guess there's always gonna be some internal strugge of ignorance vs. reaility when we start to reach the second one.

I don't know. It might be different for different people.

Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

Sometimes I want to beleive that, but I'm still not sure that I do. The quote is nice and all, but is it really true?
Does LOVE hurt?
Maybe love itself isn't the thing that makes yoi hurt, but what love causes?
Lov causes the rejection and the loneliness, but I don't know if Love actually hurts.
Or if it just causes hurt.
I've thought about this a couple times and am curious to hear what other people have to say on the manner.
I mean, if you didnt love you couldn't feel the sting of rejection or the pang of hurt you get when someone blows you off.
Is love just the cause of these bad feelings, and people just get them mixed up? I would like to think that. I would like to think that LOVE is perfect. The only perfect thing on earth. The only thing that can heal our wounds and make us forgot the scars. The only thing on this earth that can make us beleive that everything will work out in the end.

I Want to Get Lost- Sanctus Real (acoustic version)

This is pretty much an amazing song. The lyrics are awesome and the guys voice is beautiful. The normal version is not even nearly as good as the acoustic, so dont even think about listening to that verison.

Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break

I've never been the kind of person that tells people secrets easily. Like I kind of have trust issues. There's only one person on this earth who knows pretty much everything about me.
Just one.
She's not family and we've never even hung out outside of school before.
Sometimes it's strange, isn't it? The people we decide to trust with our hearts.
Just one night me and my friend were talking till the AM and things just starting spilling out. And we are like completely different people so it was not exactly expected.
The morning after this happened I woke up and immediately thought: "Oh holy CRAP what have I done?"
Like, I had regreted the whole thing.
And I have since then a couple of times too.
But in the long run, I would never take back what I told them.
Cause everyone needs that person yah know? That one person that they can vent to.
Well, most people probably have more than one, but I think that I am lucky to trust just one person.
See, cause I have trust issues remember?

It's an odd thing how I have a suppermega hard time trusting people, and yet people feel that they can tell me things. I mean, I have a couple of friends who tell me things that they tell practically no one else.
But I'm proud of this. I love that people trust me enough to tell me things that they so badly want to tell others but are afraid to.

You're not a body that has a soul, you're a soul that has a body.

Singing to Myself in a Starless City

Just a lonely intersection

Tunnels all around
Just a one lane highway
Nothing here unfound

One girl lies awake
A starless night

For her internal fight

External tears wont show
When hope it doesn’t grow
So I’ll taste the light

And walk into a lonesome night

Singing to Myself in a Starless City

Walking alone cause’ no one thinks I’m pretty

Bright lights contrast my suffocation
A bleeding heart gains no attention

Broken veins and broken dreams they need no explanation

When there’s no one to ask the questions

Decisions already made

For their seem to be no options

Feet pad against a concrete street

A street named after me

But the sign you cannot see

Yellow lines

The insides mine

You’re gonna have to fight

If you wanna prove you’re right (about me)

Even though I know you’re wrong (you’re wrong about me)

So don’t sing me my own song

Cause you’ve only got one chance

(Only got one chance before you’re gone)

Singing to Myself in a Starless City

Walking alone cause’ no one thinks I’m pretty

Bright lights contrast my suffocation

A bleeding heart gains no attention

Broken veins and broken dreams they need no explanation

When there’s no one to ask the questions

So I’ll walk this road alone
Too sad to pick up a silenced phone

Singing to Myself in a Starless City

Walking alone cause’ no one thinks I’m pretty x2

Alone in a Crowd

Most people have probably felt alone in a crowd. Like there are so many people around you but none of them know what's going on with you.
None of them understand you.
None of them know what yo're going through.

But is it not possible that the person standing next to you in this crowd is thinking the very same thing? We're always saying to ourselves how alone we are when we don't even put out the effort to become...well, not alone.
I'm not saying that we need to strip down naked and show everyone in the world every scar on our body; rip open our chest to reveal our crumbling hearts. But what if we just gave them a peak?
Just a small peak at the things we go through alone?
And I think that we can all find someone that is able to surpass numbness and ignorance and cringe at our bleeding wrists.
There's always going to be those people that feel nothing when they get a glimpse of blood on our hands, but there has to be someone out there that feels something.

How can we say that we are alone when there are so many other people thinking and feeling the exact same way? It's like we blame others for their ignorance when really we are the ones being ignorant. Ignorant of all the other people that we can relate to.
All of the other people that sing the same song that we do every night.
Allof the other people that run through a seemingly starless city thinking that they are alone.

But we are only as alone as we make ourselves...

We're only as lonely as we make ourselves

I don't know exactly why I created this blog. Maybe I'm hoping that I can help just one person. Not that I'm going to be writing very helpful things. I just have alot of thoughts....alot of thoughts that go unwritten so here I am.

I'm singing to myself right now. Puttig these things out for me to see in a different form.
Maybe I'll discover a star on the way?